Let's talk.

So, most people know that I have a personal problem with cheaters. Of all kinds. In discussion with some friends of my mine I was asked why. I was somewhat outraged that someone would need to ask that, but then I reigned it all in and remembered that not everyone shares my morals. So, with that on the brain I shall explain to the best of my ability. I'm going to focus on cheating in relationships, but really it applies to every aspect of cheating, with a change of vocabulary.

My thoughts on cheating. You don't do it. Period. There is a wrong way and a right way of dealing with a relationship, and cheating is on the wrong side. Why would you hurt someone you profess to care about that badly? No, it isn't about the equating emotion to sex. It isn't. It is about breaking promises, about breaking a contract, and is about harm. In the end, cheating isn't about tab A into slot B for the person being cheated on. The harm doesn't come from the sex act. It comes from the breaking of trust. For me, there is no excuse good enough. It is something you do not do. If it's bad enough that you need to go somewhere else, it's bad enough for you to say good bye. If you're an adult, you say good bye. Yeah, I'm black and white on it. Yeah, I'm implacable on the topic. No, nothing you say is going to change my mind. If my mother hasn't managed, and I'm damn sure you don't know nearly as many buttons as she does, I don't think you're going to manage. Save us both the trouble and don't try. I don't mind dialogue on the topic, but nothing is ever going to convince me I'm wrong. Also, if the statement "You have to understand the circumstances..." crosses your mind, let me alleviate you of the burden to explain this to me right now. I don't want to understand. I NEVER want to be the kind of person who understands why cheating on your partner is ok. Never.   
So, as a quick note I want to make it known that I only have issues with cheating not sleeping with someone you are not in a relationship or not the primary in your relationship. It specifically pertains to cheating.

There is the first part that bothers me in that you must lie to your partner in order to cheat on them. If you are in a relationship that isn't open, that doesn't view having sex with others as ok, then you don't sleep around. It seems pretty basic, honestly, but apparently is something that huge masses of people have issue with. Why would you stay with someone you have to lie to? Why would you stay with someone who has lied to you?

The second issue for me is the lack of respect. If you are not the kind of person who is comfortable in a monogamous relationship, why would you get into a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable in a poly or open relationship? And on the off chance that you do get into a monogamous relationship, and you do cheat, why would you consent to tie yourself to someone you don't respect? Doesn't that also speak to a lack of respect for yourself? And loyalty is KEY in my world. If you can't be loyal to the person you claim to love, how can you be loyal to anyone? Ugh. Betrayal is vile. VILE.

Third is the unholy amounts of cruelty there. Why would you hurt someone you love? Why? The breakdown of trust in ANY relationship is painful. We've all  lost friends, we've all lost lovers. So if you love someone, why would you do that much to hurt them? Even worse, why the hell would you go out of your way to do so? We hurt each other in small day to day slip ups, why would you go out of your way to hurt them? And don't give me that it just happened crap. It actually takes work to get tab A in slot B. Your dick does not slip, gentlemen. Ladies, his dick did not just slip. It takes work, whether or not there's planning. And if you go back for more? Well... now it's pre-meditated and you're twice the jerk.

The last thing that seriously bothers me about it, beyond the general dick move of it all, is the lack of self pride. You're sleeping with a married man? You've just told me that you think you're absolutely worthless. You have no integrity, you have no respect. Why on earth would I bother dealing with you? You aren't worthless, and that's by *your* admittance, not my own.

Condescending? Entirely possible, sure. I'm standing out on the high ground, I have a right to be. I've been cheated on. I have never cheated on one of my partners. I have been in both open and closed relationships. I have always been honest about what I want in a relationship. It isn't that hard to break up with someone, it may be easier to hurt them, but it isn't so hard that you *have* to.

The greatest man you'll never know.

I married the greatest man you'll never know. It's a sad, but ridiculously true fact. Most people are willing to take a man at face value. I'm not most people and I'm ridiculously glad for the fact. I started  hanging out with Gar seven years ago. He drove me batshit on a good day, and I flat out hated him on a bad one. Oddly, for a situation he didn't remember. He threatened my brother about a decade ago, and I hold a grudge like woah! So, I ran into him again a few years later from that point, still rather disliking him. Gar being the shit that he is rather than be civil and leave me the hell alone when I informed him I didn't like him instead plopped his ass down next to me and kept chatting. He physically shoved my ass over. I didn't particularly understand at the time, but he has this whole if you're going to hate me out of the blue, I'm going to give you a reason to do so theory. It's a rather unproductive pain in my ass, but hey. It works for him. It weeds out assholes, stupid people, and shallow people. He will play up the stupid, play up the slob, play up the slacker, play up anything you want to stereotype him as, just to see if you're willing to look. There's a reason for it, a damn good reason, that you are likely never going to know. Further, even if I trusted you with the knowledge it's unlikely that he would and I'm certainly not going to tell you. It's his story to tell. I hung out with him because it's not many people who will stand there and ignore me when I'm snarling, and even less people who will shove it in my face. I started sleeping with him cause I came to like him. I started dating him because I came to respect him. I married him because I got to know and love him. He's smarter than most people I know, which is fascinating since I know a whole bunch of smart people. He's driven and ambitious, although he'll be the first to tell you he isn't. He's sweet and caring, although he'll be the first to tell you that he's apathetic and ok with it. He's reasonable, silly, caring, pushy, understanding, awesome, amazing, and so much more. And you'll never know it. You'll never know it because you're so busy congratulating yourself on being right, on being better, that you'll miss out on everything that I didn't. And you know what? That's ok. Because I already married him, so you're SOL.

What's love got to do with it?

Ninety nine point nine percent of the time not a damn thing. No, I'm  not being bitter. I'm ridiculously happily married. No, I'm not being sarcastic, I'm not being grumpy, I'm stating a fact. When it comes to life 99.9% of the time, love has no bearing on an individual's actions. Why? Well let me tell you.

First off, most people don't understand, care to understand, try to understand, or even remotely think about love. They get the chemical high and call it good. Never mind the fact there are a million and four chemical reactions that happen in your body the second you see someone. A million and four more if you're attracted to the someone you see. Therein lies the rub. See, those more often than love, are the other chemical processes and the reasons behind those that are the cause for action. Usually it is a far more self serving reason.

The biggest reason for action, or inaction as the case may be (and most often IS!) when it comes to relationships is lack of self esteem. If you feel that you aren't good enough on your own to have some worth, you can totally borrow the worth of this awesome guy/girl/thingy here! Example: "Dude, he treats you like shit! Leave him!" "I can't! I love him!" Which actually translates to, "I can't, I'm not worth anything if he isn't willing to stick around and prove I'm worth something by staying with my worthless ass!" Not that they will ever say that to you or themselves. The cure for this? Get some self esteem. Stop trying to prove your worth through someone else, and figure out why you're awesome on your own. As a matter of fact, stay the fuck away from any relationship that isn't friendship until you've figured out that you're awesome. Everyone is, or more has the potential for being awesome. Everyone. Find it, live it, love it, take responsibility for creating and maintaining your own awesome, and you can finally find that elusive love creature. Until you have your own inner awesome, what you have isn't love. It's co-dependance. You can't give to someone else what you don't yourself have. Period. That's a damn fact. Don't believe me? Let me take a moment and prove it. Love is selfless. We can all agree on that point? Relationships are *NOT*. They are give and take, they are moments of awesome punctuated by moments of dick move. Love, however? Selfless. And because it is selfless it allows all parties to move past the moments of dick move. This is an over simplification, but since I'm not trying to write a book on the topic of why Romeo and Juliette were complete morons and have ruined society as we know it, I have to keep it simple. Back to the topic and ignoring my mostly unnecessary trashing of the biggest piece of crap to ever hit the big screen... Where were we? Oh, yes. I was proving the you have to love yourself before you can love anything else point. So, love is selfless. In order to give something to someone else that comes from a base of not you, you have to be able to be in a place that isn't about you. The interesting thing about fear is that at the end of the day it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Afraid to be alone? Totally all about you. Afraid to look at yourself in the mirror? Totally about you. Ashamed of yourself? Totally about you. Not good enough? Hey! Totally about you! Now, this isn't to say that everyone who truly loves is a completely adjusted, happy all the time, never insecure, bouncy, peppy, perfect Dudly Doright. It means that all these imperfect people have, at their core, a foundation of love for themselves.

All I'm saying is that being honest in a relationship means that you have to be honest without yourself first. Otherwise you'll always be unhappy. You'll always be missing out, and you'll always know it deep down. Tend to yourself before you jump headfirst  into "love". Quit giving love a bad rap, it's got enough troubles of it's own.

End of part one. Next topic? Differentiating between love and lust.

A post!

I'm not quite sure how to get it out. Hell, I'm not all that sure what it is. I suppose marriage is a pretty big part of it. I don't understand why that little piece of paper that says we're all couple like is such a big deal. There was no ceremony, there won't be until December 12, 2012. There was no one there but Andrea, and that's because she was our officiant. Really it was a two and a half minute process where she handed me the license, we filled it out, signed it, and turned it back in. It shouldn't be that big a deal. Sure my name changed, but really, so what? I HATED my last name, mostly because it was my sperm donor's name and changing it was stupid expensive. So, new last name, same relationship. We still bicker over stupid shit, we still mess around, we still eye each other across the living room. And it's not like married sex is any different from non-married sex. So... why is everything different?


Also, I'm totally going to re-watch Witchblade. Because I love it and I can.