No, really. Are you over 18? Yes? It's your fault?
I really just want to leave it there, because it shouldn't take rocket science to figure this one out, but I find that I am both angry and irritated by the culture we seem to have raised the generations after mine in. Sure, there's a few people in every generation, and really it could be seen as an epidemic, but really... it's like everyone that's younger than me has this knee jerk reaction.
Well, it's because of this. Is this fixable? Yes, if I do this and this and this. So why not do this and this and this? Because then I can't use it as an excuse!!!!!! Only they're never that honest, are you kidding me? It's always a line of excuses. Because I don't have time. Because it's too expensive. Because it hurts. Because of this ailment. Because my mother called me fat. Because I'm too shy.
Depression is one that's seriously irritating the shit out of me these days.
I'm depressed because my parents told me I wasn't, I had to be strong. Ok, that sucks, buuuuut... Are you 18 or older? Well, yeah. So, you're no longer your parent's responsibility. Go get it fixed. But I caaaaaaaaaaaan't! Why not? It's too expensive! Here is this place, this place, and this place. They do mental health care for free. *silence for a moment* I don't have time! You can't take two hours out of your day to go get yourself better? It's not that it's that it takes so much time to... Ok, let me stop you right there. What you're really saying is that you want to be depressed and I should leave you alone? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I hate this, I just can't fix it! Please don't stop lavishing attention on me for negative behavior patterns! How about you call me when you want to do something to fix the problem. In the mean time I should warn you that I don't do that with my dog, why would I do that with a human?? I'll gladly smack your nose and tell you no until you stop doing it...
(You know what? It's MY fault if I keep associating with people who do that. I get that. I have a plan of attack. Vent so I don't accidentally rip off their face when I talk to them. Talk to them. Explain how I feel. Walk away. Personal responsibility, bitches. Right there.) Back to the point.
Really. It's your fault, it's ALL your fault. Guess what, Whiny McFuckStick, IT'S OK FOR IT TO BE YOUR FAULT!!! As a matter of fact, you'd be so much more awesome if you just admitted it, asked for help, or even just said you were working on --given that you are actually working on it and not just feeding me a line. You have to make mistakes to learn, to grow, and to stop making those mistakes in the future. It's a part of life. For fuck's sake, until you realize and admit to those mistakes you can't grow from them. You don't learn and the rest of us poor saps who realized long ago that we weren't perfect, we weren't always right, are now stuck listening to your dumb ass go on and on and on and ON about how it's not your fault.
Smile!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I am the anti-theist antithesis.
I am much more amused by that word combo than I should be. When asked what my religion is I have a stock answer that I give. I am a non-practicing poly-pantheistic QuakerPagan. Say what? I believe in all gods and believe that you have the right to deal with your god in whatever way you wish, while believing that it is a very personal thing, all while not being religious. Need me to break that down for you? Non-practicing: A cheeky play on concepts. It means that I 'm not religious. I don't practice any religion. Poly-pantheistic: literally many pantheons. I believe that all gods who are believed in exist. All. Quakers are a quirky little branch of Christianity that I find I am rather fond of their worship practices. Which is to say, they sit in a room quietly and commune with god their own way without having someone sit there and tell them how to do it. Not for everyone, sure, but I like it. I am pagan by definition and by choice. I still don't have a religion.
So what does that mean in the long run? It means pretty much jack shit and nothing to most people. It does, however, put me at opposition to every single friends group and family member I have save a few. Honestly, the agnostics who tend to be pretty fucking chill about all things religious/spiritual and the three people who believe something sorta similar to me.
I know a lot of atheists. I dig my science, and I'm going into a hard science field, it's pretty impossible *not* to know a crap ton of atheists. Science taught most of them that there is no god and that logic is king. Science taught me that there is no way to prove or disprove god so keep the two separate. Neither one is better than the other.
Until religion, and atheism for this case, becomes a scapegoat/platform for hate, for bigotry, for harm of self or others I'm pretty damn cool with it. I don't care if you want to dance around a bonfire, I don't care if you want to kneel in a church, pray in a mosque or temple. Don't. Care. When you use that to further hate, I stop being ok. Same with atheism. When it's used to harm someone else, to spread hate, to separate classes, types, groups of people it's as bad as any other religion.
I guess to make a moderate ramble pretty short: I don't care what construct you use to get by in day to day, as long as you aren't using it to hurt, you are golden in my book. Once you start using that belief to hurt, you're wrong. Whatever place you're arguing from, if you can't follow the Wil Wheaton Law, you're doing it wrong.
So what does that mean in the long run? It means pretty much jack shit and nothing to most people. It does, however, put me at opposition to every single friends group and family member I have save a few. Honestly, the agnostics who tend to be pretty fucking chill about all things religious/spiritual and the three people who believe something sorta similar to me.
I know a lot of atheists. I dig my science, and I'm going into a hard science field, it's pretty impossible *not* to know a crap ton of atheists. Science taught most of them that there is no god and that logic is king. Science taught me that there is no way to prove or disprove god so keep the two separate. Neither one is better than the other.
Until religion, and atheism for this case, becomes a scapegoat/platform for hate, for bigotry, for harm of self or others I'm pretty damn cool with it. I don't care if you want to dance around a bonfire, I don't care if you want to kneel in a church, pray in a mosque or temple. Don't. Care. When you use that to further hate, I stop being ok. Same with atheism. When it's used to harm someone else, to spread hate, to separate classes, types, groups of people it's as bad as any other religion.
I guess to make a moderate ramble pretty short: I don't care what construct you use to get by in day to day, as long as you aren't using it to hurt, you are golden in my book. Once you start using that belief to hurt, you're wrong. Whatever place you're arguing from, if you can't follow the Wil Wheaton Law, you're doing it wrong.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What's in a name?
Someone asked me about the title of my blog. Conceptual Cat's Cradle, what's it mean? I like names with meaning, so of course it had one... or three. But really the question got me super thinking, so I rambled about it.
What's in the name? Aside from an awesome alliteration, which is amusing because of my name, and my longest lasting nick name (Not counting Bitch...), it explains two very important things. One, my thought process. Two, where I was when I created the blog. Since it works in two parts, I'll explain it in two parts, since that's easier for me. Also because they are two separate *types* of issues. Things? Categories? Something. Whatever they are, they are two different types of them.
The first is a product of birth made infinitely worse by a late diagnosis. The conceptual cat's cradle is how I think. I don't think in words, I don't think in pictures, I don't talk to myself in my head. It's a cat's cradle. That silly kids game, where you have a string and you wrap it around fingers and you move it back and forth and it gets more and more complex the more work you put into it? Yeah... It's also like those stupid fractals on the early windows screen savers that change shape and color and move about in form and complexity. I also think in sound. Not music, not birdsong, not speech. Sound. Tones. Short ones. It's not like hippie whale song or some shit. Just tones. Like someone plucking a muted guitar string. Or one of those stupid electronic tuners. (If you can't tune your own fucking instrument without the use of electronic devices, how the hell are you going to know when a string is off, or if it sounds correct, or if your stupid tuner is broken? I did, and still do, tune all of my instruments -- harp, guitar, dulcimer-- by ear, and check them on a tuner. I also have perfect pitch, or the next best thing to it, and thus don't understand why someone else can't distinguish between two notes.) Tangent aside. That's my thought process. It doesn't start in english and it doesn't end in english, so there's a lot of translation, and thus room for error along the way. It makes sense to me. I've always thought that way. I don't always get out what I need to when I need to though. Now, why am I an oddball abstract thinker? Because I'm crazy. No really. I spent most of my life wildly misdiagnosed in one direction or another. Between teenage drama and genuine issues, I spent a good portion of my life seeing a shrink and asking what the fuck was wrong with me. The answer was always, "Nothing I can't drug into submission." Not an answer I like. It took them YEARS to get to the right answer. I can understand why, to be honest. I am a social creature. I enjoy other people. I enjoy their company, I like to soak in their experiences. This is *NOT* something that people with my diagnosis do. Autistic people don't do social, so no one really looked that way even when I exhibited all the other key signs. When I was 27 I got my head shrunk by a marvelous man who didn't want to drug me into a coma and he informed me that I am a high functioning cognitive autist. I smiled and told him to go fuck himself. We argued quite nicely for a while and eventually I stopped being a baby and let him run the ridiculous battery of tests to prove it. Ok, so I'm kinda autistic. Fine. Then we argued about treatment. I don't do drugs. I had my life ripped apart by a psychiatric misdiagnosis that lead to me spending far too much time on a drug I didn't need. Further, I don't give three shits if gluten makes things worse, I am not going on a gluten free diet. I'll happily cut down, but I need gluten to live. So there. Call me childish, but it isn't happening. Fortunately he's willing to work with me in the ways I need and want him to. Which, since he's moved to California it all by e-mail. At least it's free now. So, there. Reason one for the name. It's what my head looks like if you could put thought into physical form.
Next, where I was at.
Honestly the inside of head felt like this. Too much going on and not enough place to put it. Too many words, to many experiences, and way, WAY too many emotions. Oddly, once I got past the emo teenage years I sort of became a guy. I don't care for emotions. I certainly don't care to base decisions off of them, and I staunchly refuse to allow them to rule, control, or affect my life, or decision making process. This isn't to say that I don't have emotions, simply that I prefer to control them as opposed to the other way around. Much like most guys. So... No, I didn't magically develop a penis, just a love affair with reason. Not to mention, flipping out in public is embarrassing on a good day. Take that one step further and add in the fact that I became a violent little shit once I forgot to be afraid of everything. My world, and my view of the world around me, is pretty damn black and white. This leads to issues since most of the people I know live in this horrible place that's mostly shades of grey. Still, they love me. (I bet this part seems disjointed and confusing, right?) So, you take a landscape that's pretty stark and you throw in emotions that I neither want nor understand. You throw in friends who trip your OCD, who don't get you, who push your buttons, and then ask you why you're irritated. You throw in a lot of stress, irritation, stubborn pride, and a million other stupid things and your landscape is not long stark. It's now this creepy, twisted, volatile, irritating place to be in. And the only way out is this gate that's made of string. To open the gate you have to make Jacob's Ladder into the Bishop's Door and if you pull the wrong string the whole thing falls apart and you're back to the beginning. So there's reason two.
One was because that's just how I work. Two because I needed some coping mechanism to deal with the amazing amount of stupid I cause myself.
And there you go. Complete with pictures. Because I can.
What's in the name? Aside from an awesome alliteration, which is amusing because of my name, and my longest lasting nick name (Not counting Bitch...), it explains two very important things. One, my thought process. Two, where I was when I created the blog. Since it works in two parts, I'll explain it in two parts, since that's easier for me. Also because they are two separate *types* of issues. Things? Categories? Something. Whatever they are, they are two different types of them.
The first is a product of birth made infinitely worse by a late diagnosis. The conceptual cat's cradle is how I think. I don't think in words, I don't think in pictures, I don't talk to myself in my head. It's a cat's cradle. That silly kids game, where you have a string and you wrap it around fingers and you move it back and forth and it gets more and more complex the more work you put into it? Yeah... It's also like those stupid fractals on the early windows screen savers that change shape and color and move about in form and complexity. I also think in sound. Not music, not birdsong, not speech. Sound. Tones. Short ones. It's not like hippie whale song or some shit. Just tones. Like someone plucking a muted guitar string. Or one of those stupid electronic tuners. (If you can't tune your own fucking instrument without the use of electronic devices, how the hell are you going to know when a string is off, or if it sounds correct, or if your stupid tuner is broken? I did, and still do, tune all of my instruments -- harp, guitar, dulcimer-- by ear, and check them on a tuner. I also have perfect pitch, or the next best thing to it, and thus don't understand why someone else can't distinguish between two notes.) Tangent aside. That's my thought process. It doesn't start in english and it doesn't end in english, so there's a lot of translation, and thus room for error along the way. It makes sense to me. I've always thought that way. I don't always get out what I need to when I need to though. Now, why am I an oddball abstract thinker? Because I'm crazy. No really. I spent most of my life wildly misdiagnosed in one direction or another. Between teenage drama and genuine issues, I spent a good portion of my life seeing a shrink and asking what the fuck was wrong with me. The answer was always, "Nothing I can't drug into submission." Not an answer I like. It took them YEARS to get to the right answer. I can understand why, to be honest. I am a social creature. I enjoy other people. I enjoy their company, I like to soak in their experiences. This is *NOT* something that people with my diagnosis do. Autistic people don't do social, so no one really looked that way even when I exhibited all the other key signs. When I was 27 I got my head shrunk by a marvelous man who didn't want to drug me into a coma and he informed me that I am a high functioning cognitive autist. I smiled and told him to go fuck himself. We argued quite nicely for a while and eventually I stopped being a baby and let him run the ridiculous battery of tests to prove it. Ok, so I'm kinda autistic. Fine. Then we argued about treatment. I don't do drugs. I had my life ripped apart by a psychiatric misdiagnosis that lead to me spending far too much time on a drug I didn't need. Further, I don't give three shits if gluten makes things worse, I am not going on a gluten free diet. I'll happily cut down, but I need gluten to live. So there. Call me childish, but it isn't happening. Fortunately he's willing to work with me in the ways I need and want him to. Which, since he's moved to California it all by e-mail. At least it's free now. So, there. Reason one for the name. It's what my head looks like if you could put thought into physical form.
Next, where I was at.
One was because that's just how I work. Two because I needed some coping mechanism to deal with the amazing amount of stupid I cause myself.
And there you go. Complete with pictures. Because I can.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Red Flag.
So, in times past when I've reached this point in my life I've dyed my hair. Red. Usually the brighter the better. I am not dying my hair this time so instead this is your red flag. This is the last warning that I am declaring no quarter.
Don't be emo at me. I know you have problems in your life. I get that. I still love you and I will go back to the regularly scheduled bitching sessions when I have a little bit of breathing space between me and psycho killing machine. Because, right now, I really want to punch you in the face. Pretty much everyone on the planet can substitute their face and have it be true. What did you do wrong? Not a damn thing. You're being you. You're even being the amazing you that I love and adore. I just have no patience now. None. My tolerance meter is red-lined and until I decompress some, every little thing just sets me off.
If it's something you can fix and won't, don't whine at me. I'm just going to give you a few ways I think you can fix it, and then I 'm going to get upset when you have a BS reason why that won't work.
If it's something you can change and won't, don't whine at me. For the same reason as above.
If you need your ego stroked because you're feeling under the weather, don't come to me. I'm just going to tell you to get some fucking self esteem. I'll give three or four reasons why I think you're amazing. When you disagree with me, I'm going to get pissed. First, because you're bashing yourself. Second, because you are looking me dead in the eye and telling me that I'm wrong. Which I'm not, because if I were, I wouldn't be friends with you, now would I?
If I disagree with you and you call me stupid, foolish, a zombie or sheep, do not cry when I react. I will get pissed. I will tell you exactly why you need to drop that line of conversation, and if you choose to continue I will cease conversing with you and cut you out of my life. My friends aren't clones of me. We don't need to agree with each other all the time. My friends can debate and even argue without it turning to name calling. My friends don't force me to agree with them. If you can't do those things, you are obviously not my friend.
If I disagree with you and you cry at me, do not be surprised when I don't care. I am not here to be your clone. Don't expect me to be. I will try to be polite while I adjust and relocate some patience. Please don't push it with behavior that irritates me when I'm at normal levels of stress.
If you want me to tell you that it's ok that you're doing *insert some action here* when it is deliberately harming yourself or someone else, PARTICULARLY if you're doing it because you don't want to man up, don't be surprised when I don't tell you it's ok. Especially don't be surprised if I tell you why I think you need to man up instead. DOUBLY IMPORTANT, don't cry at me when I do tell you to man up.
Don't be a dick.
Quite frankly I have a million problems in my life right now. Here... let me make this super clear I have a million problems in MY life. Bringing it back to me. And you know what, that's where it needs to be. I need to deal with my own shit. I barely have enough patience to deal with my bullshit. Where on earth am I going to get the patience to deal with yours? The patience gnomes, they don't visit those who just quit smoking. They don't love us.
Further, this is not a cry for help or a cry for attention. I am quite capable of dealing with my own problems. I am doing just that. No, this is not a cry for help, this is simply letting you know who, what, where, why. I believe in transparency. Particularly when it may help diffuse tense situations or avert them altogether. I am simply saying that I do not have the coping skills for both your problems and my own. That's all.
Don't be emo at me. I know you have problems in your life. I get that. I still love you and I will go back to the regularly scheduled bitching sessions when I have a little bit of breathing space between me and psycho killing machine. Because, right now, I really want to punch you in the face. Pretty much everyone on the planet can substitute their face and have it be true. What did you do wrong? Not a damn thing. You're being you. You're even being the amazing you that I love and adore. I just have no patience now. None. My tolerance meter is red-lined and until I decompress some, every little thing just sets me off.
If it's something you can fix and won't, don't whine at me. I'm just going to give you a few ways I think you can fix it, and then I 'm going to get upset when you have a BS reason why that won't work.
If it's something you can change and won't, don't whine at me. For the same reason as above.
If you need your ego stroked because you're feeling under the weather, don't come to me. I'm just going to tell you to get some fucking self esteem. I'll give three or four reasons why I think you're amazing. When you disagree with me, I'm going to get pissed. First, because you're bashing yourself. Second, because you are looking me dead in the eye and telling me that I'm wrong. Which I'm not, because if I were, I wouldn't be friends with you, now would I?
If I disagree with you and you call me stupid, foolish, a zombie or sheep, do not cry when I react. I will get pissed. I will tell you exactly why you need to drop that line of conversation, and if you choose to continue I will cease conversing with you and cut you out of my life. My friends aren't clones of me. We don't need to agree with each other all the time. My friends can debate and even argue without it turning to name calling. My friends don't force me to agree with them. If you can't do those things, you are obviously not my friend.
If I disagree with you and you cry at me, do not be surprised when I don't care. I am not here to be your clone. Don't expect me to be. I will try to be polite while I adjust and relocate some patience. Please don't push it with behavior that irritates me when I'm at normal levels of stress.
If you want me to tell you that it's ok that you're doing *insert some action here* when it is deliberately harming yourself or someone else, PARTICULARLY if you're doing it because you don't want to man up, don't be surprised when I don't tell you it's ok. Especially don't be surprised if I tell you why I think you need to man up instead. DOUBLY IMPORTANT, don't cry at me when I do tell you to man up.
Don't be a dick.
Quite frankly I have a million problems in my life right now. Here... let me make this super clear I have a million problems in MY life. Bringing it back to me. And you know what, that's where it needs to be. I need to deal with my own shit. I barely have enough patience to deal with my bullshit. Where on earth am I going to get the patience to deal with yours? The patience gnomes, they don't visit those who just quit smoking. They don't love us.
Further, this is not a cry for help or a cry for attention. I am quite capable of dealing with my own problems. I am doing just that. No, this is not a cry for help, this is simply letting you know who, what, where, why. I believe in transparency. Particularly when it may help diffuse tense situations or avert them altogether. I am simply saying that I do not have the coping skills for both your problems and my own. That's all.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Let's talk.
So, most people know that I have a personal problem with cheaters. Of all kinds. In discussion with some friends of my mine I was asked why. I was somewhat outraged that someone would need to ask that, but then I reigned it all in and remembered that not everyone shares my morals. So, with that on the brain I shall explain to the best of my ability. I'm going to focus on cheating in relationships, but really it applies to every aspect of cheating, with a change of vocabulary.
My thoughts on cheating. You don't do it. Period. There is a wrong way and a right way of dealing with a relationship, and cheating is on the wrong side. Why would you hurt someone you profess to care about that badly? No, it isn't about the equating emotion to sex. It isn't. It is about breaking promises, about breaking a contract, and is about harm. In the end, cheating isn't about tab A into slot B for the person being cheated on. The harm doesn't come from the sex act. It comes from the breaking of trust. For me, there is no excuse good enough. It is something you do not do. If it's bad enough that you need to go somewhere else, it's bad enough for you to say good bye. If you're an adult, you say good bye. Yeah, I'm black and white on it. Yeah, I'm implacable on the topic. No, nothing you say is going to change my mind. If my mother hasn't managed, and I'm damn sure you don't know nearly as many buttons as she does, I don't think you're going to manage. Save us both the trouble and don't try. I don't mind dialogue on the topic, but nothing is ever going to convince me I'm wrong. Also, if the statement "You have to understand the circumstances..." crosses your mind, let me alleviate you of the burden to explain this to me right now. I don't want to understand. I NEVER want to be the kind of person who understands why cheating on your partner is ok. Never.
So, as a quick note I want to make it known that I only have issues with cheating not sleeping with someone you are not in a relationship or not the primary in your relationship. It specifically pertains to cheating.
There is the first part that bothers me in that you must lie to your partner in order to cheat on them. If you are in a relationship that isn't open, that doesn't view having sex with others as ok, then you don't sleep around. It seems pretty basic, honestly, but apparently is something that huge masses of people have issue with. Why would you stay with someone you have to lie to? Why would you stay with someone who has lied to you?
The second issue for me is the lack of respect. If you are not the kind of person who is comfortable in a monogamous relationship, why would you get into a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable in a poly or open relationship? And on the off chance that you do get into a monogamous relationship, and you do cheat, why would you consent to tie yourself to someone you don't respect? Doesn't that also speak to a lack of respect for yourself? And loyalty is KEY in my world. If you can't be loyal to the person you claim to love, how can you be loyal to anyone? Ugh. Betrayal is vile. VILE.
Third is the unholy amounts of cruelty there. Why would you hurt someone you love? Why? The breakdown of trust in ANY relationship is painful. We've all lost friends, we've all lost lovers. So if you love someone, why would you do that much to hurt them? Even worse, why the hell would you go out of your way to do so? We hurt each other in small day to day slip ups, why would you go out of your way to hurt them? And don't give me that it just happened crap. It actually takes work to get tab A in slot B. Your dick does not slip, gentlemen. Ladies, his dick did not just slip. It takes work, whether or not there's planning. And if you go back for more? Well... now it's pre-meditated and you're twice the jerk.
The last thing that seriously bothers me about it, beyond the general dick move of it all, is the lack of self pride. You're sleeping with a married man? You've just told me that you think you're absolutely worthless. You have no integrity, you have no respect. Why on earth would I bother dealing with you? You aren't worthless, and that's by *your* admittance, not my own.
Condescending? Entirely possible, sure. I'm standing out on the high ground, I have a right to be. I've been cheated on. I have never cheated on one of my partners. I have been in both open and closed relationships. I have always been honest about what I want in a relationship. It isn't that hard to break up with someone, it may be easier to hurt them, but it isn't so hard that you *have* to.
My thoughts on cheating. You don't do it. Period. There is a wrong way and a right way of dealing with a relationship, and cheating is on the wrong side. Why would you hurt someone you profess to care about that badly? No, it isn't about the equating emotion to sex. It isn't. It is about breaking promises, about breaking a contract, and is about harm. In the end, cheating isn't about tab A into slot B for the person being cheated on. The harm doesn't come from the sex act. It comes from the breaking of trust. For me, there is no excuse good enough. It is something you do not do. If it's bad enough that you need to go somewhere else, it's bad enough for you to say good bye. If you're an adult, you say good bye. Yeah, I'm black and white on it. Yeah, I'm implacable on the topic. No, nothing you say is going to change my mind. If my mother hasn't managed, and I'm damn sure you don't know nearly as many buttons as she does, I don't think you're going to manage. Save us both the trouble and don't try. I don't mind dialogue on the topic, but nothing is ever going to convince me I'm wrong. Also, if the statement "You have to understand the circumstances..." crosses your mind, let me alleviate you of the burden to explain this to me right now. I don't want to understand. I NEVER want to be the kind of person who understands why cheating on your partner is ok. Never.
So, as a quick note I want to make it known that I only have issues with cheating not sleeping with someone you are not in a relationship or not the primary in your relationship. It specifically pertains to cheating.
There is the first part that bothers me in that you must lie to your partner in order to cheat on them. If you are in a relationship that isn't open, that doesn't view having sex with others as ok, then you don't sleep around. It seems pretty basic, honestly, but apparently is something that huge masses of people have issue with. Why would you stay with someone you have to lie to? Why would you stay with someone who has lied to you?
The second issue for me is the lack of respect. If you are not the kind of person who is comfortable in a monogamous relationship, why would you get into a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable in a poly or open relationship? And on the off chance that you do get into a monogamous relationship, and you do cheat, why would you consent to tie yourself to someone you don't respect? Doesn't that also speak to a lack of respect for yourself? And loyalty is KEY in my world. If you can't be loyal to the person you claim to love, how can you be loyal to anyone? Ugh. Betrayal is vile. VILE.
Third is the unholy amounts of cruelty there. Why would you hurt someone you love? Why? The breakdown of trust in ANY relationship is painful. We've all lost friends, we've all lost lovers. So if you love someone, why would you do that much to hurt them? Even worse, why the hell would you go out of your way to do so? We hurt each other in small day to day slip ups, why would you go out of your way to hurt them? And don't give me that it just happened crap. It actually takes work to get tab A in slot B. Your dick does not slip, gentlemen. Ladies, his dick did not just slip. It takes work, whether or not there's planning. And if you go back for more? Well... now it's pre-meditated and you're twice the jerk.
The last thing that seriously bothers me about it, beyond the general dick move of it all, is the lack of self pride. You're sleeping with a married man? You've just told me that you think you're absolutely worthless. You have no integrity, you have no respect. Why on earth would I bother dealing with you? You aren't worthless, and that's by *your* admittance, not my own.
Condescending? Entirely possible, sure. I'm standing out on the high ground, I have a right to be. I've been cheated on. I have never cheated on one of my partners. I have been in both open and closed relationships. I have always been honest about what I want in a relationship. It isn't that hard to break up with someone, it may be easier to hurt them, but it isn't so hard that you *have* to.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
The greatest man you'll never know.
I married the greatest man you'll never know. It's a sad, but ridiculously true fact. Most people are willing to take a man at face value. I'm not most people and I'm ridiculously glad for the fact. I started hanging out with Gar seven years ago. He drove me batshit on a good day, and I flat out hated him on a bad one. Oddly, for a situation he didn't remember. He threatened my brother about a decade ago, and I hold a grudge like woah! So, I ran into him again a few years later from that point, still rather disliking him. Gar being the shit that he is rather than be civil and leave me the hell alone when I informed him I didn't like him instead plopped his ass down next to me and kept chatting. He physically shoved my ass over. I didn't particularly understand at the time, but he has this whole if you're going to hate me out of the blue, I'm going to give you a reason to do so theory. It's a rather unproductive pain in my ass, but hey. It works for him. It weeds out assholes, stupid people, and shallow people. He will play up the stupid, play up the slob, play up the slacker, play up anything you want to stereotype him as, just to see if you're willing to look. There's a reason for it, a damn good reason, that you are likely never going to know. Further, even if I trusted you with the knowledge it's unlikely that he would and I'm certainly not going to tell you. It's his story to tell. I hung out with him because it's not many people who will stand there and ignore me when I'm snarling, and even less people who will shove it in my face. I started sleeping with him cause I came to like him. I started dating him because I came to respect him. I married him because I got to know and love him. He's smarter than most people I know, which is fascinating since I know a whole bunch of smart people. He's driven and ambitious, although he'll be the first to tell you he isn't. He's sweet and caring, although he'll be the first to tell you that he's apathetic and ok with it. He's reasonable, silly, caring, pushy, understanding, awesome, amazing, and so much more. And you'll never know it. You'll never know it because you're so busy congratulating yourself on being right, on being better, that you'll miss out on everything that I didn't. And you know what? That's ok. Because I already married him, so you're SOL.
What's love got to do with it?
Ninety nine point nine percent of the time not a damn thing. No, I'm not being bitter. I'm ridiculously happily married. No, I'm not being sarcastic, I'm not being grumpy, I'm stating a fact. When it comes to life 99.9% of the time, love has no bearing on an individual's actions. Why? Well let me tell you.
First off, most people don't understand, care to understand, try to understand, or even remotely think about love. They get the chemical high and call it good. Never mind the fact there are a million and four chemical reactions that happen in your body the second you see someone. A million and four more if you're attracted to the someone you see. Therein lies the rub. See, those more often than love, are the other chemical processes and the reasons behind those that are the cause for action. Usually it is a far more self serving reason.
The biggest reason for action, or inaction as the case may be (and most often IS!) when it comes to relationships is lack of self esteem. If you feel that you aren't good enough on your own to have some worth, you can totally borrow the worth of this awesome guy/girl/thingy here! Example: "Dude, he treats you like shit! Leave him!" "I can't! I love him!" Which actually translates to, "I can't, I'm not worth anything if he isn't willing to stick around and prove I'm worth something by staying with my worthless ass!" Not that they will ever say that to you or themselves. The cure for this? Get some self esteem. Stop trying to prove your worth through someone else, and figure out why you're awesome on your own. As a matter of fact, stay the fuck away from any relationship that isn't friendship until you've figured out that you're awesome. Everyone is, or more has the potential for being awesome. Everyone. Find it, live it, love it, take responsibility for creating and maintaining your own awesome, and you can finally find that elusive love creature. Until you have your own inner awesome, what you have isn't love. It's co-dependance. You can't give to someone else what you don't yourself have. Period. That's a damn fact. Don't believe me? Let me take a moment and prove it. Love is selfless. We can all agree on that point? Relationships are *NOT*. They are give and take, they are moments of awesome punctuated by moments of dick move. Love, however? Selfless. And because it is selfless it allows all parties to move past the moments of dick move. This is an over simplification, but since I'm not trying to write a book on the topic of why Romeo and Juliette were complete morons and have ruined society as we know it, I have to keep it simple. Back to the topic and ignoring my mostly unnecessary trashing of the biggest piece of crap to ever hit the big screen... Where were we? Oh, yes. I was proving the you have to love yourself before you can love anything else point. So, love is selfless. In order to give something to someone else that comes from a base of not you, you have to be able to be in a place that isn't about you. The interesting thing about fear is that at the end of the day it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Afraid to be alone? Totally all about you. Afraid to look at yourself in the mirror? Totally about you. Ashamed of yourself? Totally about you. Not good enough? Hey! Totally about you! Now, this isn't to say that everyone who truly loves is a completely adjusted, happy all the time, never insecure, bouncy, peppy, perfect Dudly Doright. It means that all these imperfect people have, at their core, a foundation of love for themselves.
All I'm saying is that being honest in a relationship means that you have to be honest without yourself first. Otherwise you'll always be unhappy. You'll always be missing out, and you'll always know it deep down. Tend to yourself before you jump headfirst into "love". Quit giving love a bad rap, it's got enough troubles of it's own.
End of part one. Next topic? Differentiating between love and lust.
First off, most people don't understand, care to understand, try to understand, or even remotely think about love. They get the chemical high and call it good. Never mind the fact there are a million and four chemical reactions that happen in your body the second you see someone. A million and four more if you're attracted to the someone you see. Therein lies the rub. See, those more often than love, are the other chemical processes and the reasons behind those that are the cause for action. Usually it is a far more self serving reason.
The biggest reason for action, or inaction as the case may be (and most often IS!) when it comes to relationships is lack of self esteem. If you feel that you aren't good enough on your own to have some worth, you can totally borrow the worth of this awesome guy/girl/thingy here! Example: "Dude, he treats you like shit! Leave him!" "I can't! I love him!" Which actually translates to, "I can't, I'm not worth anything if he isn't willing to stick around and prove I'm worth something by staying with my worthless ass!" Not that they will ever say that to you or themselves. The cure for this? Get some self esteem. Stop trying to prove your worth through someone else, and figure out why you're awesome on your own. As a matter of fact, stay the fuck away from any relationship that isn't friendship until you've figured out that you're awesome. Everyone is, or more has the potential for being awesome. Everyone. Find it, live it, love it, take responsibility for creating and maintaining your own awesome, and you can finally find that elusive love creature. Until you have your own inner awesome, what you have isn't love. It's co-dependance. You can't give to someone else what you don't yourself have. Period. That's a damn fact. Don't believe me? Let me take a moment and prove it. Love is selfless. We can all agree on that point? Relationships are *NOT*. They are give and take, they are moments of awesome punctuated by moments of dick move. Love, however? Selfless. And because it is selfless it allows all parties to move past the moments of dick move. This is an over simplification, but since I'm not trying to write a book on the topic of why Romeo and Juliette were complete morons and have ruined society as we know it, I have to keep it simple. Back to the topic and ignoring my mostly unnecessary trashing of the biggest piece of crap to ever hit the big screen... Where were we? Oh, yes. I was proving the you have to love yourself before you can love anything else point. So, love is selfless. In order to give something to someone else that comes from a base of not you, you have to be able to be in a place that isn't about you. The interesting thing about fear is that at the end of the day it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Afraid to be alone? Totally all about you. Afraid to look at yourself in the mirror? Totally about you. Ashamed of yourself? Totally about you. Not good enough? Hey! Totally about you! Now, this isn't to say that everyone who truly loves is a completely adjusted, happy all the time, never insecure, bouncy, peppy, perfect Dudly Doright. It means that all these imperfect people have, at their core, a foundation of love for themselves.
All I'm saying is that being honest in a relationship means that you have to be honest without yourself first. Otherwise you'll always be unhappy. You'll always be missing out, and you'll always know it deep down. Tend to yourself before you jump headfirst into "love". Quit giving love a bad rap, it's got enough troubles of it's own.
End of part one. Next topic? Differentiating between love and lust.
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